Well I had a midwife appointment today to discuss the results of my ultrasound. The baby looks great, but my placenta is completely covering my cervix (placenta previa).

*This is the best picture I could find. There are a lot more degrees of placenta previa than shown. To my understanding total placenta previa is what I am dealing with.

The good news is that 9 times out of 10 as the uterus grows, the placenta moves out of the way of the cervix. So usually by about 32 to 36 weeks there is no longer a problem.

The bad news is if I get to 37 weeks and the placenta is still fully or partially covering the cervix I’ll be shipped off for a c-section.

I am really trying to stay positive. I know that the odds are in my favour, but I just can’t get my head around this. Having a hospital birth is one of my worst fears (I actually have nightmares about it) and now to be told that I could possibly have to have a c/s is really devastating and terrifying all at the same time. At this point I do feel that true placenta previa is an honest reason for a c/s, but I do want to do more research. I just can’t imagine having my baby and not being the first person to touch him, to not be able to bring him to my chest where he belongs in those first moments after birth. These will be his first moments of life and they will be spent in terror and discomfort as he is ripped from my uterus before he has declared himself ready, handed to a stranger, poked and prodded, layed naked on a cold hard scale, deprived of mother’s breast for “30-35 minutes while they stitch you up”… this cannot happen. I really honestly think that I cannot handle this right now. *sigh*

I have to stay positive. I’m only 20 weeks. I still have time. My body is smart and so is my placenta. I know that the placenta goes where it can find the best nourishment, my cervix is not an optimal spot for my placenta. Like the roots of a tree looking for water, my placenta will move and grow in the direction of optimal blood supply.

I love my body.

I love my placenta.

I love my cervix.

I love my uterus.

I trust my body.

I trust my placenta.

I trust my uterus.

I trust birth.

That’s right folks, I’m pregnant! Twenty weeks pregnant to be exact. My due date is February 1st, 2010. We are all very happy and excited.

My midwife is great and very natural minded. I will be birthing this baby at home, in water and I am looking forward to it very much. This will be my first waterbirth (Lauren was born at home on my bed and Allison was born in hospital).  Allison has decided that she wants to help catch the baby, Lauren wants to cut the cord and teach the baby how to drink “na na’s”…  there is much excitement:)

For now I am enjoying the feeling of an active baby, my expanding belly, getting my energy back (which was non-existant during the first trimester), making plans and marveling in tiny clothes once again.

It feels good to share the news!

We just got back yesterday from a 3-day trip to Great Wolf Lodge. Let me tell you, it was awesome!!! There is so much to do! A huge waterpark, an arcade, the “Cub Club Room” where the kids can play and do crafts, a bedtime and morning storytime for the kids and so much more that we didn’t get to.

The whole place had a wilderness theme, even the garbage cans.

And the waterpark was unbelievable!

So we all had a really good time. Except for the last night after the girls had gone to sleep when Evan and I had a huge fightargument. As usual Evan has no restraint, and he proceeded to slam doors, raise his voice and stomp around despite the fact that our children were sleeping close by (not to mention the fact that we were in a hotel…very embarassing). It is so frustrating to have the same problems come up over and over again and still have no solution. To be treated with such disrespect. To watch my children’s father slam doors, punch walls, swear, use threats and insults far more frequently than I could ever imagine would occur in a healthy relationship. To be so confused about the fate of my marriage and wondering how I could possibly stay in this situation for another day, and then we have a wonderful day at the waterpark and everything feels like it should until it all blows up in my face just a few short hours later…. very frustrating.

But I really want to focus on the good parts of this trip. Relaxing with Lauren on the lazy river and talking about apple picking and sprinklers. Allison taking me on a big waterslide and holding my hand tight so I wouldn’t be scared. Watching the smiles and laughter during storytime. The yummy buffet. Getting coloured extensions put into  our hair. Picking souvenirs in the gift shop. Sitting on the balcony alone at night breathing in the cool air and making wishes on stars. Family yoga night. Swimming in the wave pool and enjoying the waves. I wish I was there right now:)

We made it through the first day of school, and I have to say the experience was pretty positive. Allison liked it so much that she doesn’t even want to come home for lunch tomorrow LOL. And I do truly get a very good feeling from her teacher. Phew!

Here are some of the morning send off pictures:

 

 

Well, I’m back from a very long absence due to… stress, depression, moody husband, stress, feelings of insecurity, confusion, stress, loss of myself, did I mention stress???

Anyway… I’m not saying that I have officially gotten over any of that, but I do feel that I am back in a good state of mind. The depressed on the couch days are becoming fewer and further between. The stress headaches have gone from an everyday occurrence to a few times per week. I feel more able to cope with social situations. And I’m dealing much better with my husband.  Well, things are getting better anyway.

-Allison is starting school on Tuesday. It’s not what I want, and deep down it feels wrong, but it’s what she really really wants (and Evan too). I’m putting on a happy face for her and just trying to focus on the good points. I know she’s going to have fun, and the school staff is very friendly, so that makes me feel better about it.

-I have promised Lauren that I will take her to playgroup while Allison is in school and she is really looking forward to it! She got a little backpack and likes to carry it around making plans for what snacks she will pack inside:)

-Today we went to a local water park to celebrate our own little “Family Day”. It was great! Allison loved the waterslides and swimming. Lauren was over it very quickly and was happy to sit on the sidelines and watch the fun. Evan’s frustration was kept to a minimum, so that was good. We ended off the day by popping popcorn and watching Hannah Montana: The Movie. It is absolutely amazing watching the girls enjoy something so much! They danced to every song and sang every word (it’s really cute watching a 2 year old sing the Hoedown Throwdown LOL).

-I have one more update, but I think it deserves it’s own post:)

 

It feels really good to be back! I missed you blog:)

A couple of months ago I had a dream that I still think about from time to time. It goes like this:

My husband is driving our car but our car is actually a hoola hoop. My husband is in the front and I am behind him inside the hoola hoop and we are running along the road like this about to get on the highway. I am getting frustrated because my husband isn’t going fast enough and I keep stepping on his heels. I am worried that we won’t be able to merge onto the highway. We switch places and now I am in front. I can feel the hoola hoop around my waste as I try to pull my husband faster and faster along the on-ramp. We finally make it onto the highway, only to come to a complete stop in the midst of extreme traffic. I look around and notice that all the other cars are hoola hoops too.

 

Weird, huh?

Stuck: unable to go any further.

Sometimes I feel like I just don’t know what I’m doing.

I am at a fork in the road. How long have I been here?

I am walking down my path (picture a dirt road with trees all around) and I come to a fork in the road. There are so many options ahead of me. I stop in order to consider which way I should go. It is overwhelming. I sit down. Time goes by. I start playing in the sand to distract myself. I build a sand castle. I work really hard on it and become very attached to it. But my knees and back hurt and my castle keeps falling down. It’s not what I wanted at all and I’m angry. And I still don’t know which way to go. But now I feel like I can’t leave my castle anyway. I’ve worked so hard on it, and with a little more work it might be perfect. But the paths keep calling, and my castle keeps breaking…

and I’m stuck.

 

Examining Controversies, Promoting Success

With Dr. Jack Newman

A conference that will encourage, inform and challenge healthcare professionals in breastfeeding practice.

 

Date: April 16th, 2009

Time: 8:30am to 4:15pm

Location: 

BestWestern Durham

Octaviens Banquet Hall 

559 Bloor StreetWest, Oshawa, Ontario

Guest Speakers and Topics:

 
Dr. Jack Newman: 

Controversies in Breastfeeding, Case Studies, Just One Bottle: How Can It hurt?

 Karen Campbell, RN, BScN & 

Sherri Deamond, MHSc, Epidemiologist:

Monitoring Breastfeeding in Durham Region

Dr. Karen Dockrill:

The Power of Family-Centred Care 

Audience: Who Should Attend?

· Childbirth educators

· Doulas

· Lactation consultants

· Nurses

· Midwives

· Physicians

 

For information call: 905-493-2645 or email at info@discoverbirth.com

CERPs applied for from IBCLE